tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3929145732311224482024-03-21T10:35:17.947-07:00this is a shadowabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-45753611144086640032009-06-08T10:46:00.000-07:002009-06-08T11:14:14.769-07:00latelyoh boy. it has been a while, hasn't it? it's not that i've been busy. things have been really slow at the wesley. i've been here every day, but most days i set my alarm for early and snooze for a few hours (not healthy, i know this) because there's nothing to do really during the summer. i get here and sit on facebook for quite a while, then paint things and do art projects, then eat a hot pocket and drink a dr. pepper and/or diet coke, then leave. not too productive. it's dangerous for someone to tell me i get to "create my own schedule." because i'll probably never do anything. so i woke up an hour earlier than usual today and got to work quite a bit earlier than i have been. <br /><br />speaking of work. i took care of a very difficult and interesting man this weekend. four days in a row, same routine every time. make his bed (no wrinkles allowed), fill his water glass with 5 cubes, go on a 1.5 hour walk (one day was the hottest day of the year, no biggie) outside the nursing home and stop every 2-3 minutes to breathe, crack jokes that he doesn't think are funny, ask him questions that he doesn't really get excited about answering, feel silly, go inside, more cubes in the water, prepare a salad with 8 maraschino cherries and slices of fruit propped vertically against the bowl, put in tv dinner with oven 50 degrees hotter than the box dictates, let cool for 2 minutes, sit at table while he eats in front of the TV with for an hour headphones on, give him medicine during commercials, bring flag inside, close blinds, clean kitchen, leave. <br /><br />two things about me: <br />i am not patient. and slow-moving productions irritate me more than almost anything. <br />i am not good at cooking. even/especially tv dinners. <br /><br />okay, maybe three things. <br />i hunger for people to like me/approve of me. to walk in and have an old man tell me i've failed him is extremely alarming and discouraging.<br /><br />especially because i love old people. and usually, they love me. <br /><br />this has been refining. God was teaching me. he was teaching me to pray for joy and patience and to pray for this old man's heart to soften and for him to be able to show grace. he was preparing me to maybe one day cook for another man. even a tv dinner. and to clean up after myself and to clean up after someone else and do things the way they like it just because. to serve someone and love someone with nothing in return. <br /><br />He was teaching me to grow up. <br /><br />i thought i had it rough walking outside beside an old man who didn't like me when it was 98 degrees. then i remembered the 4-year-old bengalis working in battery recycling factories. and the christians in north korea who are imprisoned because they have Bibles. and the homeless guy right here in lubbock outside walmart who doesn't have a job and is diabetic and doesn't know Jesus and has to beg for food. <br /><br />someone always has it worse. i am privileged. i deserve to suffer for eternity in hell, but that problem has been solved for me because of Jesus. i'm good. i'm going to Heaven, but not everyone else is. <br /><br />He was teaching me to find joy in what my flesh declared a "trial." i think it was more of a blessing. i'm seeing this world is bigger than me. after i leave this old man's apartment and drive off to hang out with my friends, he's alone. those walks and tv dinners are his life. i have a whole separate life to invest in. but for him, that's it. i want to bring him joy in it even though i'm getting paid minimum wage and even though i feel like i can't do anything right. i want to show him Jesus. <br /><br />the other day i got really overwhelmed. i realized this was my life and lubbock, tx isn't vacation for me. i was sick of being around people and burned out from trying to make friends and find people who love me. so i left work early to spend some time by myself and just drove around listening to Jesus music and talking to Him. that night i felt plagued by loneliness- even though i have tons of people here who love me and know me, i felt like there wasn't anyone who really knew my heart. i know I have that in Jesus, but i just long for a group of girls to invest in me and tell me truth and show me more of Him. i went to a park by myself and journaled as the sun set. then i drove around this neighborhood called tech terrace at dusk and looked at all the cute houses. i just was. it was so good. what i needed. the next night i went to a small group and met some awesome girls, which was another answer to prayer. <br /><br />the other night i woke up to bass shaking my bed from the apartment below me. i waited for like 45 minutes, but it still didn't go away. so i called the police. whoops. <br /><br />:)<br /><br />in other news, i think i'm going to read at a poetry reading at sugar browns (a real trendy coffee shop in lbk)in july. texas tech professors will be reading too. so i think it's a pretty legit deal. i always feel so funny reading my poems, but i guess that's the way it goes. <br /><br /><br />in conclusion,<br />i am being provided for and thought for by the God of the universe, so i feel pretty good about things. <br /><br />p.s. i really want a stray cat.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-28824349221629951662009-05-31T14:34:00.000-07:002009-05-31T15:12:21.929-07:00awake, o sleeperi've been on many adventures lately. i think it's good for me.
<br />a few nights ago, 3 friends and i went to a park after hours to rappel from a bridge. when we were walking, a cop car drove by, and we all had to hide in the brush to avoid getting caught. my legs got cut up real bad. last night, i was with the same people and tried longboarding. i was really afraid of going fast and losing control etc etc, but once i got the hang of it i started getting a little bolder. we went from 15th street to campus, and on the way back, i totally biffed it and tore up my knee. i haven't skinned my knee since i fell off a bike in like second grade. the boys were really helpful. i didn't want to longboard back and was being a big baby but did it anyway. because once you fall off the horse you get back on.
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<br />however, i accidentally pushed the longboard into the sewer. fail. then i got a slurpee at the discounted rate of 75 cents in an xmen limited edition collectors' cup to compensate.
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<br />[addendum-i feel like i have a habit of twisting stories to make them more exciting. we got the longboard out of the sewer. and by we i mean they.]
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<br />needless to say, there are several battle wounds on my legs.
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<br />i started my weekend job taking care of old people yesterday. it was so different but so good. i've visited nursing homes for several years, but i've never actually had to do anything but talk to people. now i get to help them eat, get around, go to the bathroom, etc. more of the dirty work. i had to ask Jesus several times to show me how to love like He does. yesterday i was with a 92-year-old woman. i was told she had dementia, which she probably does, but i really think people underestimate the elderly. i saw how active Jesus was in this woman's life. i got to read scripture to her and pray for her and she just closed her eyes and clung to Christ. i saw her feet move to the rhythm of the revival songs she was listening to on the television. i saw her restful heart when she had me sing her ten hymns from a songbook and i saw the joy in her eyes when we talked about Heaven and how excited she was to see Jesus and her husband and have no more pain. she wanted to be free and to have the veil removed from her eyes. she told me she had dreams about Jesus and wasn't afraid to die. i witnessed the grace God was giving her in this.
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<br /> the man i visited back in minneapolis told me he talked to God every night to let him know he was ready to die whenever it would please God. this stirs up a memory of a really intense time i had of dealing with the reality of death last fall. i had a lot of times when i'd wake up in the middle of the night and feel death really close. not like i was going to die, but i was just reminded of how transient life was and felt a sense of urgency. i don't know if it was from the Lord, but i was reminded of jonathan edwards' resolutions and how he resolved to think of his own death every day. i want to do that. i think it would cause me to live differently. to see things in a more godly perspective. fall semester, i was reading a book called <span style="font-style: italic;">suffering and the sovereignty of god</span>, and one of the sections was about death. the author was saying how God will give us grace to understand and not fear death when the time comes. like a father who gives the train ticket to his child just before he gets on the train, i won't get the grace to die until it's time to die. i don't know if that makes sense, but it helps me to rest in the confidence that Jesus gives me new grace for each situation he ordains for me. i may fear it and not understand it now, but He goes before me and prepares the way. what a comfort.
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<br />i wrote a poem about this for my capstone project. about how skewed my view of death is. maybe i already wrote about this, but it's a theme that's woven into my life really tightly: i fear so much that heaven will be a place with no emotion or sensation. i fear numbness. i fear i'll have this veil over my eyes and all my senses that will keep me from feeling things.
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<br />i have it so backwards. the veil is on my eyes <span style="font-style: italic;">now</span>. i am numb <span style="font-style: italic;">now</span>. my senses are suppressed <span style="font-style: italic;">now</span>. i cannot experience beauty or experience God or His creation the way He intended because of sin. when I see Jesus, he will remove the veil from my eyes and it's then i will be fre<span style="font-family: georgia;">e. </span><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link style="font-family: georgia;" rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CASHLEY%7E1%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:relyonvml/> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><link style="font-family: georgia;" rel="themeData" 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mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapedefaults ext="edit" spidmax="1026"> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapelayout ext="edit"> <o:idmap ext="edit" data="1"> </o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: georgia;">Only in Heaven will I experience all five of my senses in the rich, colorful, focused way God intended them. </span>
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<br />---
<br />Awake, O Sleeper
<br />
<br />What’s that time between sunset and night?
<br />No, not twilight— that fading part of day
<br />when light becomes anonymous.
<br />
<br />That’s how I dream of eternity.
<br />
<br />A dank cellar choking on air
<br />when you throw open the latch,
<br />a procession of skeletons climbing
<br />a ladder to a basilica of shrines and penumbras.
<br />
<br />And that’s how winter was: antihistamines glazing my veins
<br />in a hospital triage, and just like that, three days gone.
<br />My balsa bones drift in a crucible river and I am distant,
<br />otherworldly, serious like death.
<br />
<br />The world without end I hide from is cadent like suffering—
<br />
<br />where saints tie tourniquets, god washes mouths with anesthetic,
<br />mute choirs muffle hymns through mouths of bells.
<br />Rings of old coffee cups on tables without edges
<br />and everyone’s mumbling something about death.
<br />
<br />I wake.
<br />Across the street, a wife’s heart says no more
<br />and a husband lets go of her delicate hand.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-87980808621252785732009-05-29T13:04:00.000-07:002009-05-29T13:36:44.663-07:00i do not have it all together.yesterday i met with the board of the wesley foundation and was so encouraged. i expected to be grilled, but it was more like of these three people encouraging me, counseling me, loving on me, and confirming God's purpose and desire for me here. God is being so faithful to speak to me and provide me with a vision for my ministry here, even if i'm not so faithful in pursuing his voice and his will. we talked about art and its role in ministry and worship. poetry and literature and music and visual arts. it was so good. i've never had a group of believers encourage me so much to integrate my love for Jesus and my ministry with creative writing. i am so prone to compartments.<br /><br />it's so much easier just to coast along each day and just sleep in and hang out with people and make jokes and talk about music, but those things are so unsatisfying if Christ is not at their center. i see that what i'm doing is keeping Jesus as a compartment of my life. i realized that yesterday at my interview. i hadn't had good, fulfilling time with Jesus in a while, yet it was so easy for me to give Jesus answers and quote bible verses. i can't live life that way! i can't pour out unless my cup is overflowing. otherwise what i give to those i minister to will be crap. it will be from me. and it will fail people. i need rich time with Jesus. i can't operate on fumes, or i'll get burned out. it's so sweet that he's already teaching me how to operate in ministry and i haven't really begun yet. and he's being so good to me and gentle with me in revealing the sin of my heart. i feel like he wants to invade my heart with His light, but i know he won't begin the work he's asking me to let him do on my heart if i don't open it. <br /><br />i am slowly learning discipline. i really want to look at 1 peter this summer, find a legit small group (i am trying one this thursday with my good friend jenny), and seek discipleship or mentorship.consistency and discipline and are such easy sins- but they're so not fulfilling or satisfying! i realized this a little last semester. i spent so much time just being lazy and avoiding studying, but i really felt better and more refreshed when i was productive and faithful.<br /><br />there's another big facet of ministry i'd really like God to refine me in. i'm going to be with college students all the time, some of them older than me and most of them close to my age. it will be a really big fight for me to be the aroma of Christ to people when my flesh just wants their approval. it's fun to be clever and witty and outgoing and such, but often those things don't reap eternal fruit for me. God's teaching me how to be productive and edifying and how to build others up in big group situations. my friend jenny, who goes to church with me and is around the people i hang out with quite a bit, has been so helpful to me in this. i've had such sweet time with her. i've seen that building up and encouraging is not my default. my default is micromanaging my image. and it is not my default, i am seeing, to be loving and tender and gentle. the other day i met some people and was a little nervous around them for some reason. instead of shutting up and being a normal person when i met them, i defaulted to making sarcastic and rude remarks. i had to be honest with these people and ask their forgiveness and tell them that i want to love more like Jesus but my flesh seeks approval in backwards ways most of the time. i'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism or where it comes from, but i know it's a sin that Jesus is slowly grafting out of my life.<br /><br />in other news,<br />10/11 days i've been here have been mostly sunny.<br />i found another coffee shop i like, j and b. it's a lot closer than sugar browns, and the iced soy chai is exactly the same, only cheaper :) and there seem to be more college students here.<br />gas is cheap here and i've learned that the cost of living in lubbock is cheaper than anywhere else in texas and the job market is legit too. and the people here are so kind and wonderful, which outweighs the absence of green and hills and water. i think what i'm trying to get at is i like it here.<br />i don't think i can have caffeine anymore ever. i have been drinking a lot of tea and diet coke (and by a lot i mean one every afternoon), and by mid evening i have this horrible nervousness welling up in my chest. i don't like it.<br />let me emphasize that there are so many stray animals here. dogs and cats. there's one neighborhood with several cats outside almost every house. i may have already mentioned this but my roommate kat and i were taking photos in this field outside an apartment complex and i found a girls' northface by a dumpster. so i took it and washed it. judge me all you want.<br />almost got caught by the cops last night at a park that was closed. so we had to hide in the brush and now i have terrible wounds on my legs (if terrible wounds meant big scratches i'd be telling the truth)<br />my roommate rachel is in africa so i get to borrow all her clothes. if i ever get bored with mine i just go in her closet and pick 5 things and move them to my own closet. my roommates are very good about sharing. it's nice.<br />jenny eats all organic food and no fast food or soda and says it makes her feel better. i might try that. starting with fast food. rip, sonic mozerella sticks.<br />i had a very nice waiter at ihop who gave us free iced coffee (of which i didn't partake, of course) and a free refill of chocolate milk etc etc even when refills aren't free. i don't know if he was just really nice or wanted a big tip. i feel like those are schemes i would pull if i were a waiter in need of some extra bones.<br />and my lifelong best friend (i forgot to tell anyone that i had one!) since third grade named haley lives in austin. she's the only friend i still have from grade school. and she's going to come visit me in lubbock in june. i am very excited.<br /><br /><br />i'm going to go write a letter asking people for money now.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-28846463348476435802009-05-26T15:06:00.001-07:002009-05-26T15:07:36.649-07:00post scriptit is very hard for me not to be edgy and clever and vague in my posts, just fyi. talking about my day is not as satisfying as excerpts of poetry and song lyrics and syntactically pleasing sentences, etc etc etc.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-39313439946461057842009-05-19T16:42:00.001-07:002009-05-19T17:01:51.087-07:00lub a dub dublubbock is much flatter and run down than i could have ever expected. there is nothing green. and it's hot. but the sky is huge and blue and the sun is always out. and i hear the sunsets and stars are something to boast about.<br /><br />my apartment is wonderful, though a million times messier than my room back at school (didn't think that could even happen). there's a pool and a hottub and my room is really great. i had to be really creative with decorating, but i like it. having my own space is really refreshing to me.<br /><br />graduation wasn't anything momentous (one highlight- al ottley shaking my hand and telling me he still had snickers for me in his office). it was so much fun to have my roommate/new bff kat fly up to minneapolis. i'm glad she got to see my world and meet my closest friends. my graduation party was such a good means of closure. i had my best friends make me mix cd's and i listened to all 12 of them on the way down. the drive was long, but we stopped in desmoines and stayed overnight at my friend elyse's house. the states got progressively uglier as we drove south.<br /><br />i feel like i'm going to collapse without structure, so i need to find some soon. i'm really excited to start going to new churches. a part of me wants to go to two services per sunday for a week or two just to truncate the search process. nevertheless, i'm so excited to get plugged into a church community.<br /><br /><br />i'm being constantly reminded of God's faithfulness and provision in all of these things.<br /><br />i am being blessed.<br /><br /><br />in conclusion,<br />my roommates are sweet and fun and helpful,<br />i found a great coffee shop called sugar brown's with good music, amazing iced soy chai that i wish would never end. art, and people who like poetry. i'm already making a little creative writing network, which excites me,<br />i'm coming up with hilarious nicknames for everyone (e.g. bifidus gregularis, bendonesia)<br />there is little diversity here. i really want to find some,<br />i made my walls look beautiful- i hung a big square scarf on the wall with pushpins (YES!!! i can nail things in my wall now) and put pictures on it with tack like a beautiful, whimsical make-do bulletin board. i got a huge antique world map and a bookshelf. )i'm going to post some photos on facebook.)<br />i came home to my apartment to two boys who helped me move my things in and made kat and me a delicious taco dinner,<br />the heat is really dry so it doesn't actually feel that hot. i'm just happy i can breathe outside,<br />there are brick streets,<br />in july (buzzkill?) i'm moving into a pretty old house with wood floors, a fireplace, vaulted ceilings, and the most beautiful kitchen i've ever seen in july,<br /><br />all the people i've met have made me feel really loved and tell me that i'll find beauty in lubbock in time.<br /><br />i'll wait.<br /><br />i have to keep reminding myself this is not a vacation.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-74693674723381845852009-05-14T22:12:00.000-07:002009-05-14T22:28:17.660-07:00i'll watch your pretty life play out in pictures from afar<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuKKq8ejG7kqy17KoXeeifOTpWta6nWLIXG1mmOAEy-bc73WPied5VYcWLLeH8G_-QsL_uJLqa9KH_aDi37M6S4eOf1C7DOsp4Q-vtlQPj29QUshZ1P8SE37nLhPSqbRganDoIz6eFRHc/s1600-h/us_map.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuKKq8ejG7kqy17KoXeeifOTpWta6nWLIXG1mmOAEy-bc73WPied5VYcWLLeH8G_-QsL_uJLqa9KH_aDi37M6S4eOf1C7DOsp4Q-vtlQPj29QUshZ1P8SE37nLhPSqbRganDoIz6eFRHc/s320/us_map.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335916869694936978" /></a><br />my heart is being stretched.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-87541752172152791522009-05-13T13:36:00.000-07:002009-05-14T22:34:35.693-07:00mapsDecember twenty-second<br />was a moth-eaten almanac of highways.<br /> No one could tell interstate vein from artery,<br />but there was a steady motion,<br /> a rhythm toward something.<br /> That day we were swaying to madness.<br /><br />Exit 169.<br /> A man unfolds his prayer rug in a rest stop<br /> and postures his soul toward Mecca.<br />Above him, a daughter begs<br />a paper Wisconsin for a way home.<br />(But where was home then?)<br />Her mother throats, “Why don’t you love me?”<br /><br />Pleading never gets you anywhere.<br /><br />I want to log and unfold<br />and dress up my days like maps,<br />iron out each to one dimension,<br /> lay it prostrate, smooth its wrinkles<br />and press my fingers to its pulse.<br /><br />Draw valleys up<br />and pull mountains from their roots.<br />Relocate and rephrase.<br />Refold and enter.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-7778808909820016562009-05-13T13:11:00.000-07:002009-05-13T13:23:34.398-07:00blipi've been really into blip.fm for the past couple of weeks. it's a website a lot like twitter, but instead of posting a status, you post the songs you're listening to. kind of a hybrid between pandora and twitter. only more legit than both. it's an easy way to create a playlist and listen to other peoples' music. [mine is blip.fm/abecksies.] props to gregarious for pointing me in blip's direction. elsewhere on the technology front, i have been trying to import my blog to wordpress because the layouts are so much more beautiful. but it won't really work. <br /><br /><br />i'm finished. done with work, done with class, done with finals, FINALly finished with my poetry project. now all i have to do is move out, graduate, have my little grad soiree, and drive twenty hours in my newly purchased motor vehicle with my texas roommate kat. then i'll be in my new home. for i don't know how long. doing i don't exactly know what. my endings and beginnings are starting to overlap.<br /><br />now that i don't have so much attached to me [i.e. academic commitments, a job, and the like] and there's so much looming in the future, i'm already feeling a lot more creative and free. i hope i can find some kind of writing class in texas. and a life-giving, grace-giving church community. and a way to pay off school. i want a garden. i want to grow blackberries. i want a pet. and my own space to write. <br /><br />my Father has already been so faithful to give to me. and will continue to be.<br /><br /><br />now, <br />i must consider the lilies.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-24731693771687842592009-05-07T12:02:00.000-07:002009-05-07T12:15:56.503-07:00slipping out quietlyi thought i'd make this big exit when i graduated and left minneapolis. you know, going to all my last classes and making a big deal about not having class anymore forever. or showing up at the last chapel of the school year and standing up when dean said "let's recognize all the seniors at their last chapel." scheduling goodbye appointments with all of my friends and sharing a tearful goodbye with someone at the airport on monday morning when i fly to lubbock. <br /><br />alas,<br /><br />i've slept through most of the chapels of the past few weeks, haven't really gone to much class, and am likely going to drive to lubbock now that my dad wants to get me a car. and i'm realizing that there is no possible way i can have a coffee date with every person i've loved since 2006. <br /><br /><br />i feel like my finish here is really cushioned. soft. i'm sleeping through milestones. whispering goodbyes. slipping out of a party quietly. <br /><br />it's weird, and it's not what i would have picked or predicted, but i know God is being good to me in it.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-1808014647329678332009-05-05T14:11:00.000-07:002009-05-05T18:13:40.104-07:00write and wrongI'm in this class about writing for profit. Basically, we're all learning how to be freelance writers. How to market ourselves. How to sell what we create and earn a living from it it. Budgets, expenses, cold calls, elevator speeches. I don't like it.<br /><br />Yes, I've never taken a business class in my life. I do not understand how money works. (I mean, I thought until rather recently that banks stored the actual money I gave them in a safe with my name on it. What happens if a bank burns down? Where does all the money go?) I pay attention to and invest in things I love. It spilled out of me yesterday, how everything in my life points to this blazing center of language. <br /><br />I just now realized why all of this freelance/professional writing/technical writing/grant writing/making writing academic mumbo jumbo is metamorphosing into something really undesirable to me. I want to learn writing as a craft, not as a means by which to earn money. <br /><br />Writing is not a quadrant of my life or a hobby or job. It's my lenses; it's the way I see the world, the instrument God has given me to see and understand and enjoy the beauty of His creation. <br /><br />Yes, God has gifted me and blessed me and ignited a fire in me for words. But I think that's why it's so sacred to me. I don't want to profane it. <br />I don't want my writing to be property. In my metaphorical mind, I equate that to human trafficking. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />I don't want to write to make a living. For me, writing is living. </span>abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-49207889549501776402009-05-04T15:38:00.000-07:002009-05-04T15:50:59.095-07:00i am trying to break your heart<em>how do you know when you're passionate about something?<br /><br />when everything else in your life points to it. </em><br /><br /><br />classes like philosophy and music - which would normally seem mundane and useless to me - become lifegiving to me when i see them pointing at poetry. i saw this when cadenza and melisma and hedonism and david hume started showing up in my writing.<br /><br />the lenses of my eyes are poems. <br />my mind is a template for a poem. insert you, insert yesterday, insert grass and laundromats and nursing homes and madrid and summer and texas. . .<br /><br />poems deconstruct the dams i've built to stop feeling things.<br />poems are reservoirs of emotion. <br />poems are dangerous and burdensome. <br /><br /><br /><br />"If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for the creator, there is no poverty." -rainer maria rilkeabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-69161807635258357692009-04-28T06:09:00.001-07:002009-04-28T06:09:58.300-07:00the answertea garden.<br /><br />raspberry tangerine shake. <br /><br />changed my life.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-91890210041544139252009-04-19T21:08:00.000-07:002009-04-19T21:15:56.102-07:00blessed are the peacemakersThe sermon from Bethlehem today was severely edifying. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Peacemakers are Mirrors of Jesus and His Gospel </span><br />Colossians 3:1-17<br />Ken Sande, Peacemaker Ministries<br /><br />1. A "truncated gospel" can cripple our souls and relationships (Matthew 22:29). <br /><br />2. If we truly understand the Gospel of peace, we will delight in mirroring and imitating it as peacemakers (Ephesians 5:1; Colossians 3:12-17). <br /><br />*Reflect much <span style="font-style:italic;">on</span> Jesus and his gospel, and you will reflect much <span style="font-style:italic;">of</span> Jesus and His Gospel.<br /><br />3. Conflict is an opportunity to exalt and reflect God's reconciling glory (Exodus 33:18-19; 34:5-8); 1 Corinthians 10:31; Philippians 4:4).<br /><br />4. I delight in mirroring my union with Christ by guarding peace and unity in his Church (Philippians 2:1-2; Ephesians 4:1-4). <br /><br />5. When others wrong me, I have the opportunity to imitate the loving correction and forgiveness Jesus gave me through the cross (Galatians 6:1; Colossians 3:13; Acts 7:60; Matthew 18:21-35).<br /><br />6. Confessing my sins proves I trust in Jesus' mercy, helps me put off harmful habits, and enables me to reflect Jesus' likeness more fully (1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13; 2 Corinthians 3:18). <br /><br />7. When people see God empowering me to break free from sin and make peace with others, they may hunger to know the source of that power and peace (Acts 2:42-47). <br /><br />Blessed are the peacemakers, who mirror Jesus and his gospel, for they will be recognized as and called the sons of God (Matthew 5:9, paraphrased).abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-79274085519177960112009-04-18T23:25:00.000-07:002009-04-18T23:32:41.248-07:00i'm here.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95Tsf5EnY5_K5rLzXbzD4_WSV_m1_tGpfwXNSQKjTISGAMN4FzfXhjYD6f6pGXd1WMgCFhhcDqqUxn_PZBf6oRXGAvHYKP4IUYrMdVsHuTVmfO3A_IfvWs6JoNvxVnrwuACcnwb8DFwk/s1600-h/spring09+093.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95Tsf5EnY5_K5rLzXbzD4_WSV_m1_tGpfwXNSQKjTISGAMN4FzfXhjYD6f6pGXd1WMgCFhhcDqqUxn_PZBf6oRXGAvHYKP4IUYrMdVsHuTVmfO3A_IfvWs6JoNvxVnrwuACcnwb8DFwk/s320/spring09+093.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326286598325979522" /></a><br /><br />what a refreshing past few days-- cooking chicken curry, playing outside, talking to a good friend in a hammock by the pond, frolicking through the woods in dresses and taking dumb photos, variety show, staying up late, waking early, fresh vegetables, lots of good music, southern sweet tea...<br /><br />i'm learning to keep both my feet planted in the ground God has me on now. not one foot here and one foot in what He has for me (or what I hope He'll have for me) in the future. i am still in school. i still live in minneapolis. <br /><br />do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of its own. <br /><br /><br />post script: please listen to/read the lyrics of "embracing accusation" by shane & shane. this song moves my soul to worship Jesus in such a unique, refreshing way every time i hear it. the story behind it is really cool too.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-85307134570478896542009-04-16T12:22:00.000-07:002009-04-16T12:38:00.697-07:00i <3 mpls<span style="font-style:italic;">things i will miss about minneapolis</span><br /><br />diversity in faith, culture, religion, language. somalis and tibetans and hmong. going to coffee shops and meeting people from other countries.<br />lakes. <br />green. <br />the 35w bridge view. at night. the old gold medal flour factory, the stone arch bridge, the mississippi, sky scrapers.<br />spyhouse in uptown. <br />cafe overflow on university<br />the university of minnesota campus<br />uptown<br />dinkytown<br />downtown<br />bethlehem baptist church<br />the tea garden (grand and university especially)<br />eat street and all the restaurants i haven't tried<br />art museums like the walker and mia that i still need to go to<br />the snelling bridge where you can see both downtown st. paul and minneapolis<br />the caribou on snelling<br />jonathan, my 98-year-old friend at the nursing home across the street from campus.<br />every chipotle within a 10-mile radius of campus<br />mild summer temperatures<br />cruising snelling to b96 at night<br />half price apps at crapplebees-- default saturday night activity<br />unique thrift store<br />excelsior - lake minnetonka at night when it's snowing<br />89.3 the current<br />lots of cheap concerts<br />the downtown dunn brothers<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">things i won't miss about minneapolis</span><br />winters that last 7 months.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-76593887768269707972009-04-15T15:24:00.000-07:002009-04-15T15:36:20.715-07:00a wednesday diatribe. no, i just wanted to say diatribe.i never want to sleep in again. waking up late steals my joy.<br /><br />sufjan stevens sings some hymns, and i really like it. he also has some rare songs (apparently from the seven swans B-side) like "woman at the well" that i really like. try searching for it on youtube.<br /><br />today in class we listened to an NPR interview of louise erdrich, a writer. i don't know much about her, but she said her favorite part of writing is gathering the information. she called all the words and phrases in her notebooks a "compost pile." i love that. that's what i did last night at spyhouse in uptown for a few hours. gathered information. gleaned words and ideas from overheard conversation and the scene around me. spyhouse is a really interesting place. i want to write there again. i feel stuck with my poems right now, stuck in the microlevel with all these orphan words and sentences that don't yet have a place in a poem. i'm struggling to weave it all together thematically. that's always the most dramatic, overwhelming part of my writing process. taking the compost out of the pile and forming something new. <br /><br />charles wright wrote some beautiful things in "clear night," one of my favorite poems. i want to write with this urgency. i want to tangle together haunting scene and declarative diatribe like wright does:<br /><br />Clear night, thumb-top of a moon, a back-lit sky. <br />Moon-fingers lay down their same routine<br />On the side deck and the threshold, the white keys and the black keys. <br />Bird hush and bird song. A cassia flower falls. <br /><br /><strong>I want to be bruised by God. <br />I want to be strung up in a strong light and singled out. <br />I want to be stretched, like music wrung from a dropped seed. <br />I want to be entered and picked clean. </strong><br /><br />And the wind says "What?" to me. <br />And the castor beans, with their little earrings of death, say "What?" to me. <br />And the stars start out on their cold slide through the dark. <br />And the gears notch and the engines wheel.<br /><br />p.s. i've taken the myers briggs eight times in the past week and keep getting the same result no matter how many times i try to change my answers. i'm just not satisfied with "the joker."abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-27488225676825489332009-04-14T17:54:00.000-07:002009-04-14T18:11:21.906-07:00requiem for a winter.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_GKMS22PmuPlt4HTjdwJsm1ALUJfU3aqaP_AJze7_-UZ0-8lrU6ZIoX0YpNKVLYTeTZr5eMXng4yxiJinTqOTduS2OX-owlIUUDXoMd6hcro2B_cG2MJ7xgDA1ZYXkJA3EMYYB4brXaU/s1600-h/sung.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_GKMS22PmuPlt4HTjdwJsm1ALUJfU3aqaP_AJze7_-UZ0-8lrU6ZIoX0YpNKVLYTeTZr5eMXng4yxiJinTqOTduS2OX-owlIUUDXoMd6hcro2B_cG2MJ7xgDA1ZYXkJA3EMYYB4brXaU/s320/sung.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5324719514616290482" /></a><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">bye bye big reds.</span><br /><br /><br />after two months, three countries, and a myriad of close calls, my fantastic big red sunglasses have been laid to rest. <br /><br /><br />(i think two months is the longest i've ever gone without destroying a pair. one could fairly accuse me of being inept at caring for sunglasses, among hosts of other things.)<br /><br />in other news, i feel so renewed today. it has to be the weather (and Jesus, but that goes without saying. i've been asking him for this for many days now. refreshment, rejuvenation, release...) 66 degrees, and it's already 8pm. i feel like this is the warmest air minnesota has breathed in at least 5 or 6 months. i hope this glad weather reawakens my creativity (and discipline) (and joy) (and my whole spectrum of emotion), which has (have) been hibernating for a few weeks (spring and easter breaks were no help, i'm sure).<br /><br />i bought the most beautiful long summer dress yesterday. i'm excited to share a dress closet with kat and rach. i want an old armoire filled with dresses. i think tomorrow will be the first dress day without tights in a very long time. i'm tired of tights. and i wish i could trade in all my boots for keds or toms or strappy sandals. <br /><br /><br />spring. makes me want to listen to feist and sufjan and nickel creek.<br /><br /><br />He is faithful.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-23432537381629931472009-04-06T10:45:00.000-07:002009-04-06T10:53:40.195-07:00academia, you're dead to mefor real, i'm so over the school scene. <br /><br />instead, i'm into<br />planning what my room will look like in lubbock (my first real bedroom since high school!)<br />lengthy text diatribes with kat moffett, my future roomie<br />refreshing conversations with amazing girls at cafe overflow<br />doing anything off campus (tea garden, overflow, starbucks, even applebees...)<br />reading for fun <br />a God who pursues me and matures me even when my mind and heart are persistently wandering<br />phone convos with rachie, my other future roomie<br />delicious bagel sandwiches i eat 2 or 3 times a day<br />getting laundry done<br />sweet iced coffee drinks (gotta be wise and discerning about this from now on.. i had one the other night and it kept me up till 5am...)<br />chill folk music that's easy to harmonize with...<br />underground hip-hop<br />meeting tons of new people but also getting sweet, refreshing time with my friends here<br />learning about myself through the wisdom and insight of Godly people in my life<br />making snide remarks from the back of my night class<br />extended pranks<br />jewel's coming home with me for easter, yay!<br />sunny april afternoons :)<br />hope of temperatures over 40 degrees sometime in the next few weeks<br /><br /><br />enjoy the things you're into today :)abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-12258170727286716372009-04-02T19:34:00.000-07:002009-04-02T19:54:28.512-07:00one-way ticket.today i bought a 1-way ticket from minneapolis to lubbock, texas, which made what's coming in my future so much more real to me. it was scary and exciting. for some reason i was being super indecisive-- continental or american? layover in houston or dallas? seat on the right or left side of the plane? usually i am pretty impulsive, especially when i'm excited about something, but i had a really hard time actually buying it. i feel like deciding those things was hard for me because it's sort of momentous and such an important junction in my life. here's the story. i think i'm going to probably refer people to this when they ask me, because i've told it dozens of times. but for some reason it's still not getting old. like i said, i feel like i'm living in someone else's story just because of how well this is all coming together. . .<br /><br />in october, i decided i wanted to go to europe for spring break. i know a couple of missionaries in edinburgh, scotland, but the tickets to scotland were more expensive so my friend cassie and i bought tickets to london and decided to fly from london to scotland. luckily we never bought those tickets, because the scotland thing fell through. a few weeks before we left, cassie remembered she knew people in madrid we could stay with. <br /><br />we finally got to madrid after a solid twenty some hours of travel. that afternoon all i wanted to do was sleep (i have a really hard time sleeping in airports, airplanes, cars, et al), but we all went to church. on the way out of the service, i made some snide remark to this guy. me, cassie, and steve started talking to him (nate) and his two friends. we all hit it off really nicely and decided to go hit up some art museums as a group the next day. these three guys -- david, noel, and nathan-- were from texas, which is where the story sort of begins. i told nate i wanted to do something sweet with my summer and he jokingly said he would hire me to work for him at his church. he was probably joking, but that made me really excited. i wanted to do something different because changes of scenery are really refreshing to me. i also knew i'd grow a ton somewhere else because it would be stretching to me and i wanted to deal with some other things i've been kind of avoiding the past few years. basically, going somewhere else would give me a chance to look at some things in my life from a different angle. <br /><br />well, we all went separate ways, but i wanted to hang out with them again because we all connected and had so much fun. later that week, i took a train to sevilla, where david and noel are studying abroad (they were just visiting madrid for the weekend). david brought his friend ryan to the train station to pick me up and we all spent the day hanging out. i didn't really get to know ryan very well, but we talked some on facebook when i got back and i was very encouraged by him. he told me he had a friend named kat whom he thought i'd get along with because we liked a lot of the same music. i jokingly added kat on facebook expecting her to judge me for being a creeper, but we ended up talking for a super long time on facebook and found we had tons in common. <br /><br />i mentioned that i was looking at moving somewhere in texas for the summer, and told me her roommate needed a subleaser for the summer months. i was so excited, but i didn't know anything about lubbock (where texas tech university is) and didn't have a job or a car. well, that all kind of fell into place. ryan's going to be in africa for most of the summer, so he's letting me use his car until he comes back and i can look for my own while he's gone. i'm also thinking of interning at the wesley foundation, a college ministry on the texas tech campus. if that doesn't work out, there are a few other jobs i'm looking at and would be really excited about. since i've committed to moving, i've "met" tons of other amazing people-- kat's roommate rachel is super sweet, and i'm so excited to live with them both. we all get along really well and i'm so excited to get down there and hang out with all of them. i've probably added or been added on facebook by like 20 lubbock people this week. :)<br /><br />i'm already so encouraged by all of these people and the way God is so divinely orchestrating all of this it's such an intricate web He's weaving! and i love it! i'm trusting that Jesus has me going to this body of believers to continue to grow me and challenge, stretch, and encourage me. this is such an exciting thing for me. actually, the first thing i've been really excited about in many months. it was originally just going to be a summer thing, but i'm thinking if i find a stable job and place to live i may as well stay. it'll feel like summer all year long for me i'm sure :) <br /><br />so i leave may 18, 2 days after i graduate. and i went with the american airlines flight (that's the climax of the story, just fyi). <br /><br />it's all so strange. i feel like i'm just getting settled in some ways at northwestern and just developing some sweet relationships, but at the same time i'm so ready to get out of here because i feel really caged. may 18 can't come soon enough, but i also want to be careful not to live in the future, because it'll come soon enough. i want to make the most of the last few weeks i have in college. it's all so sad and beautiful at the same time. i can't even begin to communicate how much i'm learning and growing right now. God is so good and faithful to me, the worst of sinners. <br /><br />i'm beyond excited to see what He has for me in the last place i thought i'd ever be.<br /><br /><br />:)abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-21560089741646281022009-03-25T10:56:00.000-07:002009-03-25T11:00:40.014-07:00feeli am learning so much right now. i am so thankful to Jesus for it.<br /><br />irresolution and certainty are a strange and beautiful juxtaposition.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-3795536481006194552009-03-24T06:48:00.000-07:002009-03-24T07:14:44.612-07:00periphery is dangerous.everything is meaningless and empty if Christ is not at its center. <br />everything but Jesus Christ is peripheral and secondary. <br /><br />this means <br />every single one of your relationships, <br />how well you can duke it out in an argument for or against calvinism,<br />all the theological books on your shelf, <br />the ministry you invest in,<br />how you spend your summers,<br />your church, <br />how well known your pastor is,<br />missions, <br />your stance on abortion, <br />how many days it really took God to create the world, <br />every hymn you sing,<br />all the blogs you read, <br />every podcast on your ipod,<br />gender roles, <br />your method of studying the Bible,<br />your plans to go to seminary, <br />how modest your outfit is, <br />how long you wait to date a guy or a girl,<br />your convictions on drinking alcohol,<br />what version of the Bible you read<br /><br /><br />are second things. and to make them first things is to make them gods.<br /><br /><br />Christ is first, Christ is last, Christ is all. <br />don't let the peripheral sit on the throne where He belongs.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-4206185598311231032009-03-23T15:54:00.000-07:002009-03-23T15:59:30.519-07:00and thenwhat if streams of consciousness were actual streams?<br /><br />what if we were all characters in someone else's short story?<br /><br />i sort of miss literary analyses<br /><br />rainy days and mondays always get me down. today is both. <br /><br />i've been having good, insightful, raw conversations with unexpected (and some expected) people. <br /><br />sometimes when i write things down i imagine dipping my brain in ink and pressing it against the page of my notebook. <br /><br />my paradigms are shifting. <br /><br />i guess i just don't care about things i don't care about. <br /><br />i kind of wish i were more into NPR. <br /><br />i'm surprised how much i like watching other people's romances develop.<br /><br />why are there spots on all my clothes? <br /><br />would you rather skim the surface of the entire ocean or go deeply beneath just one part? i'm missing out. <br /><br />the other day i sent a package overseas and had to declare what was inside it on the outside of the box. it ruined the surprise, but i realized i want to declare everything on the outside of my box. <br /><br /><br />i need to stop compartmentalizing.<br /><br />i don't have any overlap.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-75019489179480442592009-03-23T15:45:00.000-07:002009-03-23T15:49:38.904-07:00irresolute and resolvedtoday i'll let these linebreaks and stanzas be my mouth. <br /><br /><br />that july was seamless--<br /><br />the moon <br />a metronome<br />deadening us <br />to everything<br />but what existed<br />on the plot <br />of alley <br />we stood upon<br />hoarding charms<br />in eachother's <br />mouths. <br /><br />the wind's alphabet<br />of smoke embossed <br />everyone's faces. <br />i read<br /> <em>no outlet</em><br /> <em> go back.</em><br /><br />everything about you was<br />an instruction manual for<br />disassembly. i was the boy<br />spending dark hours <br />in the cellar taking apart<br />alaram clocks and radios<br />just to put them back<br />together again. <br /><br />even the constellations <br />mourned us, tarnished <br />chandeliers hanging<br />limp against the sky.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-69637948153548474232009-02-24T19:54:00.000-08:002009-02-24T20:07:38.068-08:00he giveth more graceHe giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,<br />He sendeth more strength as our labours increase,<br />To added afflictions He addeth His mercy, <br />To multiplied trials, He multiplies peace. <br /><br />When we have exhausted our store of endurance, <br />When our strength has failed ere the day is half done<br />When we reach the end of our hoarded resources<br />Our Father's full giving is only begun. <br /><br />His love has no limits; His grace has no measure,<br />His power no boundary known unto men<br />For our of His infinite riches in Jesus<br />He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again. <br /><br />What a comfort these words are to me. What a reminder of my savior's faithful provision of grace upon grace for me, the chief of sinners, each morning. I feel like I've been plagued lately. I'm sort of in a season of unique trials. Jesus is allowing some wounds of mine from a long time ago to re-open so He can properly heal them. For a long time I've tried to wrap them in my own bandages, but they've proven weak and temporary. Only when I look to Jesus instead will I experience healing and fullness and joy and satisfaction. How wonderful it is to have a Father who cares for me. How precious it is to be of more value than the sparrows and the lilies. Because of Jesus.<br /><br />I am learning about the love of the Father. I don't think my heart believes God, the King of Heaven and earth, loves me specifically and treasures me as His creation. I've always blown off the whole "Jesus loves you" thing because I thought it was selfish. I want to focus on what Jesus did on the cross and HIS sufficiency, but so much that I forget I was created in His image, I am His beloved daughter, and His love for me runs deep. I want to view my God as a loving, kind, gentle Father, but I must ask him for this each day because It's surely not my default. Once someone told me to "just sit and bask in the Father's love for me." I laughed. I thought that was selfish. I said I didn't know how. I said I would rather study my Bible. Then I realized that 90% of my faith is intellectual. How often do I allow the Lord to love me, just as I am? I realize it's only because of Jesus that He looks on me with a smiling countenance, but I want to find a balance. I just want to be His daughter. and rest. <br /><br />Today as I walked out of my StuGov meeting, a professor of mine said I looked droopy. Then a boy on senate with me said my face looks like it's melting. Yes-- today I am very sick. I have a terrible cold. How inopportune. I bought thirty dollars worth of medicine at Walgreens today. I want to get better soon because I have a distance ed course from this summer to complete before Friday (astronomy anyone?), a bunch of writing to work on, and some serious traveling coming up in the next week. Thursday afternoon I leave for Virginia Beach to see my friend Bri. I am thinking of moving there with her for the summer, but I've never actually been there. I need to make a decision by Sunday whether I'll stay in the cities or move. I think I know what Jesus would have me do, but I need to wait till I see Bri's place and pray over it with her and seek a little more counsel on it. <br /><br />Next Thursday at 4:45 am, two friends and I are driving to Chicago. From there, we are flying to London and will be there for about a week. Then we're spending three days in Madrid. I've had this trip planned since October, but I still don't feel like it's real. I mean, Europe Spring Break 09. I have so much going on that I can't even slow down to think about it. I probably will wake up in some hostel in London and think I'm in an alternate universe for three days before I actually understand that it's Spring Break and I have nothing to do but explore, meet people, and write. <br /><br />Wonderful. <br /><br />P.S. I graduate college in 81 days. Hi world.abhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-392914573231122448.post-60197314987004290882008-11-14T19:02:00.001-08:002008-11-14T19:06:18.184-08:00holinessare you making any sacrifices? does your religion cost you anything? i put it to your consciousness in all affection and tenderness. are you, like moses, preferring God to the world? are you willing to give up anything that keeps you from God, or are you clinging to the egypt of the world and saying to yourself, "i must have it; i cannot tear myself away!" is there any cross in your christianity? are their any sharp corners in your christianity? anything that comes in collision with the earthly mindedness around you? or is it all smooth and rounded off and comfortably fitted into custom and fashion? do you know anything of the afflictions of the Gospel? is your faith and practice ever a subject of scorn and reproach? are you thought a fool of anyone because of your soul? have you left pharaoh's daughter and heartily joined the people of God? are you venturing all on Christ? search and see... -j.c. ryleabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01280394636043012099noreply@blogger.com1