one-way ticket.

today i bought a 1-way ticket from minneapolis to lubbock, texas, which made what's coming in my future so much more real to me. it was scary and exciting. for some reason i was being super indecisive-- continental or american? layover in houston or dallas? seat on the right or left side of the plane? usually i am pretty impulsive, especially when i'm excited about something, but i had a really hard time actually buying it. i feel like deciding those things was hard for me because it's sort of momentous and such an important junction in my life. here's the story. i think i'm going to probably refer people to this when they ask me, because i've told it dozens of times. but for some reason it's still not getting old. like i said, i feel like i'm living in someone else's story just because of how well this is all coming together. . .

in october, i decided i wanted to go to europe for spring break. i know a couple of missionaries in edinburgh, scotland, but the tickets to scotland were more expensive so my friend cassie and i bought tickets to london and decided to fly from london to scotland. luckily we never bought those tickets, because the scotland thing fell through. a few weeks before we left, cassie remembered she knew people in madrid we could stay with.

we finally got to madrid after a solid twenty some hours of travel. that afternoon all i wanted to do was sleep (i have a really hard time sleeping in airports, airplanes, cars, et al), but we all went to church. on the way out of the service, i made some snide remark to this guy. me, cassie, and steve started talking to him (nate) and his two friends. we all hit it off really nicely and decided to go hit up some art museums as a group the next day. these three guys -- david, noel, and nathan-- were from texas, which is where the story sort of begins. i told nate i wanted to do something sweet with my summer and he jokingly said he would hire me to work for him at his church. he was probably joking, but that made me really excited. i wanted to do something different because changes of scenery are really refreshing to me. i also knew i'd grow a ton somewhere else because it would be stretching to me and i wanted to deal with some other things i've been kind of avoiding the past few years. basically, going somewhere else would give me a chance to look at some things in my life from a different angle.

well, we all went separate ways, but i wanted to hang out with them again because we all connected and had so much fun. later that week, i took a train to sevilla, where david and noel are studying abroad (they were just visiting madrid for the weekend). david brought his friend ryan to the train station to pick me up and we all spent the day hanging out. i didn't really get to know ryan very well, but we talked some on facebook when i got back and i was very encouraged by him. he told me he had a friend named kat whom he thought i'd get along with because we liked a lot of the same music. i jokingly added kat on facebook expecting her to judge me for being a creeper, but we ended up talking for a super long time on facebook and found we had tons in common.

i mentioned that i was looking at moving somewhere in texas for the summer, and told me her roommate needed a subleaser for the summer months. i was so excited, but i didn't know anything about lubbock (where texas tech university is) and didn't have a job or a car. well, that all kind of fell into place. ryan's going to be in africa for most of the summer, so he's letting me use his car until he comes back and i can look for my own while he's gone. i'm also thinking of interning at the wesley foundation, a college ministry on the texas tech campus. if that doesn't work out, there are a few other jobs i'm looking at and would be really excited about. since i've committed to moving, i've "met" tons of other amazing people-- kat's roommate rachel is super sweet, and i'm so excited to live with them both. we all get along really well and i'm so excited to get down there and hang out with all of them. i've probably added or been added on facebook by like 20 lubbock people this week. :)

i'm already so encouraged by all of these people and the way God is so divinely orchestrating all of this it's such an intricate web He's weaving! and i love it! i'm trusting that Jesus has me going to this body of believers to continue to grow me and challenge, stretch, and encourage me. this is such an exciting thing for me. actually, the first thing i've been really excited about in many months. it was originally just going to be a summer thing, but i'm thinking if i find a stable job and place to live i may as well stay. it'll feel like summer all year long for me i'm sure :)

so i leave may 18, 2 days after i graduate. and i went with the american airlines flight (that's the climax of the story, just fyi).

it's all so strange. i feel like i'm just getting settled in some ways at northwestern and just developing some sweet relationships, but at the same time i'm so ready to get out of here because i feel really caged. may 18 can't come soon enough, but i also want to be careful not to live in the future, because it'll come soon enough. i want to make the most of the last few weeks i have in college. it's all so sad and beautiful at the same time. i can't even begin to communicate how much i'm learning and growing right now. God is so good and faithful to me, the worst of sinners.

i'm beyond excited to see what He has for me in the last place i thought i'd ever be.


:)

feel

i am learning so much right now. i am so thankful to Jesus for it.

irresolution and certainty are a strange and beautiful juxtaposition.

periphery is dangerous.

everything is meaningless and empty if Christ is not at its center.
everything but Jesus Christ is peripheral and secondary.

this means
every single one of your relationships,
how well you can duke it out in an argument for or against calvinism,
all the theological books on your shelf,
the ministry you invest in,
how you spend your summers,
your church,
how well known your pastor is,
missions,
your stance on abortion,
how many days it really took God to create the world,
every hymn you sing,
all the blogs you read,
every podcast on your ipod,
gender roles,
your method of studying the Bible,
your plans to go to seminary,
how modest your outfit is,
how long you wait to date a guy or a girl,
your convictions on drinking alcohol,
what version of the Bible you read


are second things. and to make them first things is to make them gods.


Christ is first, Christ is last, Christ is all.
don't let the peripheral sit on the throne where He belongs.

and then

what if streams of consciousness were actual streams?

what if we were all characters in someone else's short story?

i sort of miss literary analyses

rainy days and mondays always get me down. today is both.

i've been having good, insightful, raw conversations with unexpected (and some expected) people.

sometimes when i write things down i imagine dipping my brain in ink and pressing it against the page of my notebook.

my paradigms are shifting.

i guess i just don't care about things i don't care about.

i kind of wish i were more into NPR.

i'm surprised how much i like watching other people's romances develop.

why are there spots on all my clothes?

would you rather skim the surface of the entire ocean or go deeply beneath just one part? i'm missing out.

the other day i sent a package overseas and had to declare what was inside it on the outside of the box. it ruined the surprise, but i realized i want to declare everything on the outside of my box.


i need to stop compartmentalizing.

i don't have any overlap.

irresolute and resolved

today i'll let these linebreaks and stanzas be my mouth.


that july was seamless--

the moon
a metronome
deadening us
to everything
but what existed
on the plot
of alley
we stood upon
hoarding charms
in eachother's
mouths.

the wind's alphabet
of smoke embossed
everyone's faces.
i read
no outlet
go back.

everything about you was
an instruction manual for
disassembly. i was the boy
spending dark hours
in the cellar taking apart
alaram clocks and radios
just to put them back
together again.

even the constellations
mourned us, tarnished
chandeliers hanging
limp against the sky.

he giveth more grace

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labours increase,
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits; His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men
For our of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

What a comfort these words are to me. What a reminder of my savior's faithful provision of grace upon grace for me, the chief of sinners, each morning. I feel like I've been plagued lately. I'm sort of in a season of unique trials. Jesus is allowing some wounds of mine from a long time ago to re-open so He can properly heal them. For a long time I've tried to wrap them in my own bandages, but they've proven weak and temporary. Only when I look to Jesus instead will I experience healing and fullness and joy and satisfaction. How wonderful it is to have a Father who cares for me. How precious it is to be of more value than the sparrows and the lilies. Because of Jesus.

I am learning about the love of the Father. I don't think my heart believes God, the King of Heaven and earth, loves me specifically and treasures me as His creation. I've always blown off the whole "Jesus loves you" thing because I thought it was selfish. I want to focus on what Jesus did on the cross and HIS sufficiency, but so much that I forget I was created in His image, I am His beloved daughter, and His love for me runs deep. I want to view my God as a loving, kind, gentle Father, but I must ask him for this each day because It's surely not my default. Once someone told me to "just sit and bask in the Father's love for me." I laughed. I thought that was selfish. I said I didn't know how. I said I would rather study my Bible. Then I realized that 90% of my faith is intellectual. How often do I allow the Lord to love me, just as I am? I realize it's only because of Jesus that He looks on me with a smiling countenance, but I want to find a balance. I just want to be His daughter. and rest.

Today as I walked out of my StuGov meeting, a professor of mine said I looked droopy. Then a boy on senate with me said my face looks like it's melting. Yes-- today I am very sick. I have a terrible cold. How inopportune. I bought thirty dollars worth of medicine at Walgreens today. I want to get better soon because I have a distance ed course from this summer to complete before Friday (astronomy anyone?), a bunch of writing to work on, and some serious traveling coming up in the next week. Thursday afternoon I leave for Virginia Beach to see my friend Bri. I am thinking of moving there with her for the summer, but I've never actually been there. I need to make a decision by Sunday whether I'll stay in the cities or move. I think I know what Jesus would have me do, but I need to wait till I see Bri's place and pray over it with her and seek a little more counsel on it.

Next Thursday at 4:45 am, two friends and I are driving to Chicago. From there, we are flying to London and will be there for about a week. Then we're spending three days in Madrid. I've had this trip planned since October, but I still don't feel like it's real. I mean, Europe Spring Break 09. I have so much going on that I can't even slow down to think about it. I probably will wake up in some hostel in London and think I'm in an alternate universe for three days before I actually understand that it's Spring Break and I have nothing to do but explore, meet people, and write.

Wonderful.

P.S. I graduate college in 81 days. Hi world.

holiness

are you making any sacrifices? does your religion cost you anything? i put it to your consciousness in all affection and tenderness. are you, like moses, preferring God to the world? are you willing to give up anything that keeps you from God, or are you clinging to the egypt of the world and saying to yourself, "i must have it; i cannot tear myself away!" is there any cross in your christianity? are their any sharp corners in your christianity? anything that comes in collision with the earthly mindedness around you? or is it all smooth and rounded off and comfortably fitted into custom and fashion? do you know anything of the afflictions of the Gospel? is your faith and practice ever a subject of scorn and reproach? are you thought a fool of anyone because of your soul? have you left pharaoh's daughter and heartily joined the people of God? are you venturing all on Christ? search and see... -j.c. ryle