i do not have it all together.

yesterday i met with the board of the wesley foundation and was so encouraged. i expected to be grilled, but it was more like of these three people encouraging me, counseling me, loving on me, and confirming God's purpose and desire for me here. God is being so faithful to speak to me and provide me with a vision for my ministry here, even if i'm not so faithful in pursuing his voice and his will. we talked about art and its role in ministry and worship. poetry and literature and music and visual arts. it was so good. i've never had a group of believers encourage me so much to integrate my love for Jesus and my ministry with creative writing. i am so prone to compartments.

it's so much easier just to coast along each day and just sleep in and hang out with people and make jokes and talk about music, but those things are so unsatisfying if Christ is not at their center. i see that what i'm doing is keeping Jesus as a compartment of my life. i realized that yesterday at my interview. i hadn't had good, fulfilling time with Jesus in a while, yet it was so easy for me to give Jesus answers and quote bible verses. i can't live life that way! i can't pour out unless my cup is overflowing. otherwise what i give to those i minister to will be crap. it will be from me. and it will fail people. i need rich time with Jesus. i can't operate on fumes, or i'll get burned out. it's so sweet that he's already teaching me how to operate in ministry and i haven't really begun yet. and he's being so good to me and gentle with me in revealing the sin of my heart. i feel like he wants to invade my heart with His light, but i know he won't begin the work he's asking me to let him do on my heart if i don't open it.

i am slowly learning discipline. i really want to look at 1 peter this summer, find a legit small group (i am trying one this thursday with my good friend jenny), and seek discipleship or mentorship.consistency and discipline and are such easy sins- but they're so not fulfilling or satisfying! i realized this a little last semester. i spent so much time just being lazy and avoiding studying, but i really felt better and more refreshed when i was productive and faithful.

there's another big facet of ministry i'd really like God to refine me in. i'm going to be with college students all the time, some of them older than me and most of them close to my age. it will be a really big fight for me to be the aroma of Christ to people when my flesh just wants their approval. it's fun to be clever and witty and outgoing and such, but often those things don't reap eternal fruit for me. God's teaching me how to be productive and edifying and how to build others up in big group situations. my friend jenny, who goes to church with me and is around the people i hang out with quite a bit, has been so helpful to me in this. i've had such sweet time with her. i've seen that building up and encouraging is not my default. my default is micromanaging my image. and it is not my default, i am seeing, to be loving and tender and gentle. the other day i met some people and was a little nervous around them for some reason. instead of shutting up and being a normal person when i met them, i defaulted to making sarcastic and rude remarks. i had to be honest with these people and ask their forgiveness and tell them that i want to love more like Jesus but my flesh seeks approval in backwards ways most of the time. i'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism or where it comes from, but i know it's a sin that Jesus is slowly grafting out of my life.

in other news,
10/11 days i've been here have been mostly sunny.
i found another coffee shop i like, j and b. it's a lot closer than sugar browns, and the iced soy chai is exactly the same, only cheaper :) and there seem to be more college students here.
gas is cheap here and i've learned that the cost of living in lubbock is cheaper than anywhere else in texas and the job market is legit too. and the people here are so kind and wonderful, which outweighs the absence of green and hills and water. i think what i'm trying to get at is i like it here.
i don't think i can have caffeine anymore ever. i have been drinking a lot of tea and diet coke (and by a lot i mean one every afternoon), and by mid evening i have this horrible nervousness welling up in my chest. i don't like it.
let me emphasize that there are so many stray animals here. dogs and cats. there's one neighborhood with several cats outside almost every house. i may have already mentioned this but my roommate kat and i were taking photos in this field outside an apartment complex and i found a girls' northface by a dumpster. so i took it and washed it. judge me all you want.
almost got caught by the cops last night at a park that was closed. so we had to hide in the brush and now i have terrible wounds on my legs (if terrible wounds meant big scratches i'd be telling the truth)
my roommate rachel is in africa so i get to borrow all her clothes. if i ever get bored with mine i just go in her closet and pick 5 things and move them to my own closet. my roommates are very good about sharing. it's nice.
jenny eats all organic food and no fast food or soda and says it makes her feel better. i might try that. starting with fast food. rip, sonic mozerella sticks.
i had a very nice waiter at ihop who gave us free iced coffee (of which i didn't partake, of course) and a free refill of chocolate milk etc etc even when refills aren't free. i don't know if he was just really nice or wanted a big tip. i feel like those are schemes i would pull if i were a waiter in need of some extra bones.
and my lifelong best friend (i forgot to tell anyone that i had one!) since third grade named haley lives in austin. she's the only friend i still have from grade school. and she's going to come visit me in lubbock in june. i am very excited.


i'm going to go write a letter asking people for money now.